Bike Trip

How to Find a Man

I was perusing the blogs that I read when I came across Creative Liar’s post on How to Make Men Think You Are Attractive. It got me thinking. Fusband and I have a pretty awesome meet story. We are pretty darn lucky, and I feel that everyone should get the chance to meet the way we did. It’s pretty sweet, so I came up with a to do list of how to meet a man. It’s easy; I promise. All you have to do is bicycle across the county, when you hit mile 3,000 start looking cause the next guy you meet could be the guy you marry. It could also be the guy you are chatting up, right outside the bathroom door of a rather classy RV park that you happened to camp in that night in Fairplay, Colorado (get it? Fairplay) and he has to go because there is a woman coming out of an airstream with a naked baby yelling at him to go get the diapers. It could be him. (Just to clarify, the baby won’t be his). Turns out he will be biking along the same route you are with a  group of his friends.

Destiny. Nawwwww.

Here is a step by step guide to meeting the man of your dreams:

  1. Bike across the country. 4,200 miles. No sweat. Actually, there is a disturbing amount of sweat, but that’s not really the point.
  2. Shave your head. Nothing is hotter than a bald chick.
  3. Don’t shave anything else. In fact purchase some of that Garnier sleek n’ strong, which is supposed to promote follicle productivity. It is a thrilling sensation to have the air comb through your armpit hair as your ride. No gagging please–this method works. My Fusband loved it. Okay, I am lying. He hated it, but he fell in love with me anyway.
  4. Wear spandex. All. The. Time. Period. I don’t think anything else needs to be said about this.
  5. Have the guy ride behind you while you wear spandex.
  6. Make sure you make a crass joke about how you don’t need men, all you need is your bike, Bob (the trailer attached to your bike hauling your stuff), and a good rumple strip. Don’t get it? Well I am too much of a lady to spell it out for you. Anyway, this will catch his attention.
  7. Be fiercely, stupidly independent. Somehow this makes men think you need to be taken care of.
  8. If you are unsure of his feelings, or feel like you need a little extra to seal the deal. I have this final tip for you. This tip should only be used once and with great gravity. Are you ready? Crash. It worked for me. Fusband was more of a wreck than I was, and I was bleeding. I think he fell in love with me then. I also could no longer bike and he as forced to come home with me and meet my parents. All part of the master plan.

That’s all you have to do to meet a man. Not bad huh?

 

 

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