Another Nano post that won’t deal with Nano. Suffice it to say I am plugging along. I am really beginning to enjoy my story for the sake of my story and not for what I think it should be or where I think it should go. I am constantly reminding myself to let go and just see where my characters take me. I think that is paying off.
i have been meditating on the idea of censorship. Husband actually got me thinking about it all. We were riding in the car together, him driving, on our way to dinner at one of our favorite hole-in-the-walls: Takahashi. It’s this local Japanese please, which I have on very good authority that it is a very authentic food. Anyway we love it, and since we hadn’t seen each other in two weeks we were headed for a special date night, when Husband said that from reading the blog he was amazed to find how much is actually going on in my head.
He totally wasn’t saying it in a derogatory way. It was more of a commenting on the volume of thoughts my brain puts out. I was surprised by this because of how much I censor myself on this blog. There are days when I write three posts, delete all three, and then write another and delete that too. So there is even more going on up here than he thought.
This realization brought up all sort of things. Bear with me as I am sure this will be a bit of a tangled journey.
First it made me sad, because the ideas I don’t publish on the blog are not worthless. I don’t publish them because I am censoring myself out of fear. Either I don’t think that the ideas are good enough, or I am afraid of offending someone, or I get too bogged down by the big picture and I think that these ideas won’t serve the larger purpose and would in fact end up hurting the blog or my writing career. It makes me sad because when I don’t put these ideas on the blog, I also don’t share any of them with my spouse, and I should. I really should.
Next it made me have to ask why am I afraid. This one is harder. I have come to realize that, like everyone else in the world, I like people to think the best of me. I don’t like to tell stories that are irrelevant or jokes that aren’t funny. I like to be seen as witty, smart, intellectual. Husband and I have both noticed that I “practice” my stories. I rehearse out loud. I tell certain stories to certain groups of friends until I have perfected that story to be told to the larger, more general, public–or with groups that I have more insecurities around.
This all game me and Husband a lot to think about, and I have to say he has been incredibly helpful. This insecurity is definitely socially based, but I am having a hard time pinpointing where that fear originated from. I keep thinking back through high school, middle school, elementary school and nothing comes up. I could probably pay someone to tell me, but eh. Eh. Husband has at least been able to help when it comes to this blog. His idea was to create a private blog that I write in first. I can write anything and everything there–every stupid idea. Then later, I can cull the ideas and post what I really like here. I really like this idea. especially since it has kind of morphed into a joint blog between me and Husband. So it is a give and take of ideas, where we are sharing with idea. I get to practice being more open with him, but this way it is not a one way street. We both get to learn from each other. I have already created the new blog, but I wont be able to devote any time to it until after Nanowrimo.